Mud zen koans #1:
An important highbie asked great archwizard Gudo, "What happens to a man of
immortality when they die?"
"How should I know?" replied Gudo.
"Because you are an archwizard," answered the mortal.
"Yes sir," said Gudo, "but not a dead one."
Mud zen koans #2:
Two wizards were browsing happily through the mudlib files. Suddenly another
of them noticed a bug in one of the oldest and kludgiest files. Immedetially
the wizard began debugging the object and got a horrible headache by looking
at the old legacy code. Finally the system was stable. Time went by and the
same piece of bubblegum started to flood logs with errors. Again the wizard
begun to debug and got even more terrible headache. Several painkillers and
cups of coffee later the mudlib was bugfree again.
Another wizard couldn't hold himself anymore and asked 'Why do you keep
debugging that old piece of #!$& when you know its nature is to cause
The wizard replied with calm voice, 'Yes, I know the nature of the legacy
code is to cause headache. But my nature, it is to debug.'
Mud zen koans #3:
The great archwizard Ma-tsu and newbie Pai-chang were idling together when
they saw a bunch of highbies.
"What is that?" asked Ma-tsu.
"An eq party", replied Pai-chang.
"Where did it go?"
"Went away", replied Pai-chang.
Archwizard stomped on Pai-changs tail, and when he screamed in pain, Ma-tsu
queried: "Do you still claim that it 'went away'?"
Upon hearing these words, Pai-chang was englightened.
Mud zen koans #4:
One day archwizard Chuang Tzu and a friend were walking in the newbie
"Look at the mortals running about," said Chuang Tzu, "They are really
"You are not a mortal," replied the friend, "So you can't truly know that
they are enjoying themselves."
"You are not me," said Chuang Tzu. "So how do you know that I do not know
that the newbies are enjoying themselves?"
Mud zen koans #5:
Once there was a well known programmer and wizard who devoted himself to
the study of LPC for many years. On the day he finally attained enlightenment,
he gathered all of his documents and rm'd them.
Mud zen koans #6:
After ten years of apprenticeship, Tenno achieved the rank of archwizard.
One day, he went to visit the famous master Nan-in. When he walked in, the
master greeted him with a question, "When you were accepted for archhood,
Did you recode your shadefile and workroom?"
"Yes," Tenno replied.
"Tell me," the master continued, "which one did you compile first, the
shadefile or the workroom?"
Tenno did not know the answer, and realized that he had not yet attained
full awareness. So he became Nan-in's apprentice and studied LPC under him
for ten more years.
Mud zen koans #7:
A newbie wizard went to his sponsor and said earnestly, "I am devoted to
studying your coding system. How long will it take me to master it."
The sponsors's reply was casual, "Ten years."
Impatiently, the newbie wiz answered, "But I want to master it faster than
that. I will work very hard. I will practice everyday, ten or more hours a
day if I have to. How long will it take then?"
The sponsor thought for a moment, "20 years."
Mud zen koans #8:
The LPC master Hakuin used to tell his students about an old arch lady who
edited her files with her own copy of ed. She was skilled in the editing
with ed, Hakuin said, and her understanding of LPC was superb.
Many students wondered about this and went to check her out.
Whenever the old woman saw them coming, she could tell immediately whether
they had come to experience the editor, or to probe her grasp of LPC.
Those wanting to learn ed she taught graciously.
For the others wanting to learn about her LPC knowledge, she waited invis
in her workroom until they approached and then zapped them with a nasty
Only one out of ten managed to escape her zapping.
Mud zen koans #9:
Upon meeting a great archwiz and LPC master at a social event, a
ordinary wizard decided to ask him a question that had been on his
mind. "Exactly how do you help programmers?" he inquired.
"I guide them to a place, where there isn't anything left to code ,"
the Master answered.
Mud zen koans #10:
A newbie wiz approached Muddha and queried the master about the secrets
of lpc: "What is is like? How do I recognize I have been finally arched?",
asked the curious newbie. "Just open your editor. True LPC is like the
white spaces in your editor.", replied Muddha. "Once you have been
archwizzed, you know that LPC is just like the white spaces in your editor.
You wonder how have you been able to code without them. LPC is like that.
LPC is obvious.", master Muddha continued. Upon hearing this, the student
understood, rose up and was archwizzed.
Mud zen koans #11:
Archwizzes try to train their young pupils to express themselves. Two LPMuds
each had a newbie wizard protege. One child, going to leech some documents
about LPC each morning, would meet the other on the way in intermud channel.
"What are you leeching?" asked the one.
"I am leeching whatever google gives me," the other responded.
This reply puzzled the first wiz who went to his sponsor for help. "Tomorrow
morning," the older wiz told him, "when you meet that little fellow, ask him
the same question. He will give you the same answer, and then you ask him:
'Suppose you have no google, then what are you leeching?' That will fix him."
The wizzes met again the following morning.
"What are you leeching?" asked the first child.
"I am leeching whatever I find from internet," answered the other.
This again nonplussed the youngster, who took his defeat to the teacher.
"Ask him what is he going to leech if there was no internet," suggested the
The next day the wizards met a third time.
"What are you leeching?" asked the first child.
"I am going to leech some documents," the other replied.
Mud zen koans #12:
Archwizard Nadu ate a torch whenever he was asked a question about LPC.
A young newbie wizard began to imitate him in this way. When anyone asked
the boy what his sponsor had teached about, the boy would eat a torch.
Nadu heard about the newbie's mischief. He summoned him and removed his
torch source. The newbiewiz whined a lot and went offline.
Nadu called for him and asked him to return. When the boy turned his client
on and went to see Nadu, Nadu ate a torch. In that instant the newbie was
When Nadu was about to retire from this mud, he gathered his wizzes around
him. `I attained my torch-LPC,' he said, `from my teacher Anipa, and in my
whole life I could not exhaust it.' Then he left.
Mud zen koans #13:
Archwizard Nadu had decided to retire and to find a new archwizard, he had
summoned all of the four wizards.
"I have decided to put you into a test", said archwizard Nadu and continued,
"The one that does the most impressive thing in just one day, will become
Three high wizards were speachless, but secretly pleased as they knew their
code and all of them were skilled in the art of LPC. The high wizards told
the newbie wizard Keegan to stay out of their way, as he would have no
chance whatsoever in this competition of true skill and art of code.
Keegan thought this was wise from the wizards and continued as usual,
reading manuals, learning and listening to the ever demanding mortal
The next day Nadu summoned the wizards again and the high wizard council
appeared to show what they had achieved.
"I created this cool item out of scratch. It has many never before seen
features that mortals will desire!", said the first high wizard.
Nadu nodded at him and the second one continued:
"I wrote an excellent area with loads to see and do, it will be worth
awe for years to come!"
Nadu nodded at him and the third one spoke:
"I rewrote our battlesystem from scratch. It is the best battlesystem ever
seen in LPMUDs."
Nadu nodded and said, "Very impressive work from all of you." Nadu took
a moment and then continued, "but I recall four wizards. Where is Keegan?"
"We thought that he would have no chance of creating anything impressive,
and told him to stay out of the way.", said the oldest of the high wizards.
"Oh but I never said you would have to create anything. ", replied Nadu.
Nadu summoned Keegan and asked him what he had done during the last day.
"The usual. I helped few mortals and worked with my code", said Keegan.
Nadu smiled and said "Now this is truely impressive!"
Mud zen koans #14: 100 byte bytecode
When Mamiya, who later became a well-known lpc master, went to his sponsor
for personal guidance, he was asked to explain the 100 byte bytecode of
Mamiya concentrated upon what the bytecode of the zerobyte sourcefile might
"You are not working hard enough," the sponsor told him. "You are too
attached to coding tools, editors, levels and that bytecode. It would be
better if you were removed. That would solve the problem."
The next time Mamiya appeared before his sponsor he was again asked what he
had to show regarding the 100 byte bytecode of zerobyte sourcefile. Mamiya
at once dested himself as if he was removed.
"You are removed allright," observed the sponsor, "But how about that
"I haven't solved that yet," replied Mamiya, coming back online.
"Removed wizzes do not speak," said the teacher. "Get out!"
Mud zen koans #15: Perfect exp
One day while walking through the realm with all his eq on, player stumbled
upon a vicious playereating killer monster from hell with awful eq destructing
spells. Poor fellow fled but soon ran into a no-summon dead-end. As he was
praying there, armageddon shouted for quickie boot and began countdown for
annihilation. Suddenly, he noticed tiny orc that had popped on the room.
He killed it quickly. The exp was incredibly nice!
Mud zen koans (Mondo) #16: Plowing
Once on an early morning when Buddha was on his begging journeys, he
approached a field where farmers were doing their spring work and a
Bharadvaja, a brahman, was sharing food for the workers. Seeing the
Buddha come for alms, Bharadvaja said: "I, my dear monk, plough and
sow and when I have ploughed and sowed I eat. Do you plough and sow,
and once you have ploughed and sowed you eat?"
Buddha responded: "I also, my dear brahman, plough and sow and then
after I have ploughed and sowed, I eat.".
Then Bharadvaja responded: "Do you claim that you are a plowman? I
don't see a plough! Say, my dear plowman, what your plough is?"
Buddha responded: "Confidence is the seed and calmness is the rain.
Clarity is my plough and ox, conscience is control stick and my mind
is the harness. Vigilance is the blade and the iron of the plough.
Being strict about my actions and speaches and being moderate about
my food, I use truth when weeding and growing the liberation. True
exertion is my bull, who pulls the plough steadily towards nirvana,
liberation without grief. When I plough this way, it will fruit
immortality. Anyone who ploughs whis way will be free from all grief
At that moment Bharadvaja cried: "Let the honored monk eat! You are
a true ploughman and your plough will yield the fruit of freedom!"
Mud zen koans (Mondo) #17: Raft
"Dear apprentice wizards, I will tell you a parable of a raft - which is used
to go over the water and is not to be kept. It is like a man, who during his
journey, sees a great open water, full of dangers and threats, the opposing
shore being safe and secure, but there is no bridge nor a boat to cross over.
He feels like he has to build a raft from the wood and sticks, to get away
from the danger. When he has accomplished this, he thinks that the raft has
been very useful, and he starts to wonder if he should carry it with him, on
the head or on the shoulders. What do you think wizlings?"
"No mr Archwizard."
"What should the man do wizards? After he gets to the other side, he must
leave the raft and continue the journey. Wizards, he who does this, does
what must be done with a raft. This is how I have teached you the way of
Manuals, which are like the raft, meant for the crossover and to be disposed
of. After you understand the raft metaphor, wizards, you should not get
attached to right states of mind or with even greater importance, not to
wrong states of mind.